I once said " I'll take my life someday ".
Thats how I felt that day. It was a very grey day. A sad day.
It felt like my whole world just collapsed.
How everything turned from green to red, how the stop sign just smashed my face over and over and how the laughing people across the street wasnt laughing at the movie - they where laughing at me.. And how the people I meet on the street just looked at me and thought " What a loser " .. How they turned their heads when they passed me.. It was almost like I could read their thoughts..
When I came home I closed the door and locked it - Everything that happened outside that door - Was turned off.
I sat on my bed and took a deep breath... I took a second deep breath... A third.. I turned on the computer, played some music.. I made myself a cup of coffee and realized - I got nothing.
I sat on my bed again and took a deep breath... I took a second deep breath... A third.. A fourth.. I could feel how the blood was pumping throug my veins.. How my heart was beating faster and faster for every second that passed by. How the screaming children outside my window was playing. I'd forgot to turn everything off - I closed my window.
I took a deep breath...
I went in to my bathroom, opened the medical closet - I was looking for some sedative pills.. Ahh, I found it..
I sat down on my bed with my cup of coffee, my sedative pills and realized - I have no one..
I swallowed the pills together with my coffee...
I could almost feel the effect from the pills right after i swallowed them. How they went through my arms, chest, legs, feet and head...
I took a deep breath..
I turned on my synthesizer.. I played for ten minutes.. I turned on the arpeggiator on the synth, put it on hold and let the notes play for another ten minutes while I was walking around in my apartment... I could see my thoughts infront of me.. I could see them in speech bubbles, sentences, written all over my walls..
I sat down on my bed and took some deep beaths..
The arpeggiator notes sounded different from what they did 5 minutes ago.. Weird, the synth is suppose to play the same notes when I put it on hold..
I checked... Hmm weird, still the same notes on the display...
I turned off the synthesizer.. turned off my computer... I crawled down in my bed - turned off the lights and thought:
Tomorrow, I'll turn on my world again.. Im gonna be just like you..
I will turn on my synthesizer and I wont let the arpeggiator play the notes this time - I'll play them myself. And if any note sounds wrong, I'll change note..
And I wont lock my door - I'll have it unlocked so I can let the world pass right through it in to my apartment, in to my life.
I will get a washing machine, driver licens, car, bicycle, happy face, a new haircut, new clothes, more friends, a game, a wii console, new personality, a future and a life.. Im gonna be just like you...
And then I close my eyes and realized - Tomorrow is today..
🤪